Another FB Funny

My FB (not quite) friend posted this today:‎

(insert unoriginal comment about how much Mondays stink & how quickly the weekend flew by. Add colon & parenthesis to make frown face for effect.)

Bar Patron's Beware

I feel like some people have no idea how to behave when they sit at the bar. 

Yes, I'm there to serve. That's my job and that is why you will be leaving me a percentage of how much you've spent. 

However, that doesn't mean that you are the only person who has requested a drink from me.  See the thirty other people sitting around the bar?  At some point in the last two minutes or so more than a few of them have emptied their glass and are looking for a refill.

So when you mosey up to the bar and yell for me to get you a beer, you're going to have to wait a bit.

I did hear you.  You know, when I repeat your order and say something like "I'll get that for you in just a minute." it should be an indicator that I understood your request and will make your Old Grandad and Ginger in a minute after I pour four beers and make a frozen virgin pina colada.

It doesn't mean that the service is slow.  It means that the bar is busy.

You are sitting across from where I'm working.  Do you see me picking my ass and ignoring my guests?  No.  So please, don't mumble at me things like "I might have to take my business across the street if I can't get my drink faster than that."

20% is what I think I deserve. My service is consistent and I work as fast as my body can move while I'm on the clock.  Please don't sit at my bar, act like a jerk and then not tip me.  I will remember your face and I will ask someone else to serve you the next time you come in. 

 

Annoying = Facebook

I think a lot of shit on Facebook is annoying.

Annoyed by #1:  I'm annoyed when people use terrible grammar on Facebook.  I'm not talking typo's or that sort of thing.  I'm talking using board when you should have typed bored.  I guess not everyone pays attention in elementary school but broke and broken each have their place in the English language and you should know how to use them.

I am broke.  Meaning I have no money.
My computer is broken. Meaning it doesn't work anymore.

I'm not saying that I'm 100% perfect.  I can't figure out laid, lay, lie for the life of me.  My spelling leaves a bit to be desired as well. 

But c'mon people. 

Annoyed by #2:  I'm annoyed by crappy pictures.  Pictures that aren't in focus.  Pictures that show me how filthy your house is.

If you are going to take the time to share your world with me, make it pretty for me please.

Again, no one is perfect.  I'm sure there are pictures I've posted on FB that people think, "Why the fuck did she post that shit?". 

I'm talking about the repeat offenders.  The people who post pictures that are oriented the wrong direction, are of the back of someone's head, or are just plain disgusting.

And then, THEN!, they  have the balls to take the time to tag them.  Really?

Annoyed by #3: Vague status updates.  I don't want to have to guess about what's happening in your life right now.  Honestly, I really couldn't give a rats ass. 

I have a friend that posts really funny status updates like:

feels all warm & fuzzy knowing I have a few hundred friends out there pretending to care about what I'm up to today. Thanks everybody! ♥.

‎(Insert attention-seeking comment that's vague & mysterious while hinting at tragedy. Wait for friends to feign concern.)

Now that shit is funny.

Your posts about - terrible. oh, painful. i hate you, you know who you are... are really just annoying.

I have more but the cat is stuck in the boys room again.

Nightmare

I had the most horrible nightmare of my entire life last night.

I don't remember all the details, just that one of my children had died.  In my dream I couldn't be consoled and lay in my bed screaming "GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY LITTLE BOY!".

I woke up in a sobbing, sweating, panicked and in that short moment between sleeping and waking up I actually felt like it was the truth.

I can't even begin to describe to you the agony my soul felt at that moment.  The thought that there wasn't any reason for me to keep going because my little dude was gone and there wasn't anything I could about it.

It still makes me sob to think about waking up like that. 

My heart was completely shattered and I didn't feel like there was any way for me to put it back together again, ever.

Coming Into My Own

I went to the mall tonight.

My son is ready for a big boy bed and thankfully the internet gives me the ability to buy, buy, buy without having to leave the house.

However... to get free shipping I had to pick it up in the store.  Fine. Whatever. You suck.

I figured while I was at the mall, without my husband, without my children, all by my frickin' self, I'd shop a bit.

It's been a while since I've shopped for myself with any time, thought or purpose.

Normally if I need something I just run out to Kohl's while I'm at the grocery store or up to the outlets to look for the best deals.

I'm too cheap to pay retail for anything.

I realized something tonight as I wound my way through the stores, racks and people.  I don't like to shop.  I don't like current styles. I don't want to try on clothes. I hate the way my body looks right now.  I have NO fashion sense, at all.

I always thought that when I was older and had a bit of money I'd come into my own in terms of fashion.  That once we were established and could afford nicer stuff, I'd buy expensive well cut clothing and I'd look amazing.

My makeup would be from the department store counter and not the drug store crap. 

My shoes, belts and purses would be boutique brands and I would be able to pull together the looks I always imagined I could pull off if only I had the money.

I realized something tonight.  It's never going to happen.  I'm never going to be that pulled together 30 something that looks like I know what the fuck I'm doing.

My clothes and shoes are probably always going to look a little worn, tattered or cheap. 

My haircut isn't going to blow anyone away and I wear drug store makeup if I wear any makeup at all.

My handbags are nice, and name brands - but I buy them at Marshalls or Ross.  No way in hell would I spend $450 on a purse.  Maybe $100.  Maybe.

I wonder if some of this is my husbands influence.  He's a bit frugal.  Don't get me wrong, he's not cheap for the most part.

I wanted to buy myself a new Digital SLR camera, researched them, told him what I wanted and then spent $1200 on it.

But I can't see him being okay with me going out for facials, pedicures or wax hand dips every week.  Hell, he doesn't think it's okay to buy a soda at Wawa when we have soda in the fridge at home.

I can't see him being okay with me racking up credit card debt so I can look good.  I'm sure he'd love it if I looked dazzling all the time.  As long as it didn't come with a bill at the end.

I need to lose weight.  I know it.  I'm 30 pounds over my ideal, 15 pounds over what would be acceptable.

I have a gym membership.  Ask me how many times I've gone this summer.  Go ahead, ask.

Three times. 

I have a jogging stroller.  Ask me how many times I've actually used it to jog.  Once.

I have to get my shit together.  Maybe if I lose the weight, it won't matter to me so much that I look like a stay at home mom in a blue collar household.  Maybe.

Packages

I love getting deliveries from the UPS man or the FedEx man.

I like to order stuff online and have it show up a few days later and then RIP into the box like a little kid at Christmas to see what I got.

It's silly, but I pretend that it's a total surprise what's in there.  It makes for a more exciting reveal when I open the box to see my new stuff.

I especially like it when I get free shipping.  That makes it ten times better.

I think online shopping should always have free shipping.  It's all shit I can buy in the store. And you know that there is coupon code somewhere for free shipping.  Why not just do away with the pretense of shipping charges all together?

Today I got a box from Lands' End.  It had a new pair of shoes that didn't fit (bummer), another pair of shoes that did fit and a tank top that I haven't tried on yet. 

Yesterday I got a box from Toys R Us.  I had a coupon for $10 off and I bought my little girl a pack n play and a diaper/feeding set for her baby dolls.  She LOVES it and plays with it constantly.

When I see that brown truck pull up outside my house I drop everything to see what's in the box.

Facinating stuff, I know.

Personality Disorders

I've been thinking a lot recently about personality disorders and why some people act the way they do.

I took an online test to see how likely it is that I have a personality disorder and it was a low likelyhood that I'm all fucked up in the head.

Some of the people I know should take this test because they DEFINITELY have personality disorders and need some serious help. 

You see, I think I'm pretty stable. 

Sure, there are things that I say and do and even after I've said them or done them I wonder, what the fuck was THAT?!? and I call myself an asshole and move on.

I spent some time as a kid in therapy and I think it did me a world of good.

I feel like I have the insight into my own head to see where I'm coming from.  If things make me angry I learned in therapy to look for the future of that anger.  Is it helping me in any way.  What am I going to do with it.  How can I give it an outlet that won't cause me any more anger.

(just noticed I  failed to add ? above and I'm not gointg to fix it.  is it driving you nuts like it's driving me nuts?)

Other things I learned in therapy.

The only person who I can manage is me. The only person I can change is me. The only person I need to really truly worry about what that person is thinking... is me.

I'm not saying that therapy taught me to be selfish, but I think it taught me to take people as they are and let the rest of the bullshit fall by the wayside.

I don't worry about what is going on in everyone else's life. I don't honestly care what other people are doing.

I think a lot about my kids, my husband, my family.  But I know that their actions are just that, their actions.  Their ideas, their worries, their fears - they don't belong to me.

I can talk to them about it.  I can help them work through, find solutions, find outlets. But what I don't have to do is get mired down in what's going on in their heads.

I can't get in there.  I can't change them. 

That doesn't mean I can't influence or advise.  But the change has to come from within them.

If you slight me often enough, I'll cut you out of my life without a single glance back.  If you show that you genuinely want to take an interest in me and mine, I'll keep you around.

I don't have the energy to deal with other people's crap.

I have two small children. They are a lot of work.

I have a marriage.  It's a good marriage, my husband and I are happy.  But all marriages take work from both people to be successful. 

I have a job.  It's not a mentally demanding job, but I have to recharge my introvert batteries after forcing myself to interact with my bar patrons each night.

All the drama and BS that I hear about in other people's lives.  I'm so glad that it's not me.

This refrain runs through me head often: Little llama, what a tizzy! Sometimes Mama's very busy.  Stop all of that llama drama and be patient for your Mama.

Writing Practice

I was reading on the BlogHer website about writing practice and how you should just write for 15 to 20 minutes about whatever comes to mind. You aren't supposed to make corrections or erase anything you written, even if it's total drivel.

So.... that's what this is. My writing practice blog.

You don't have to read it, who knows where it will take us.

This is my first experience with a blog that has no meaning or set pattern.  Just a random amalgamation of my thoughts and ideas as they stream out of my mind.

Maybe my posts will make sense.  Maybe my grammer, punctuation, typos and spelling will be too much for me to take and I'll have to go back and edit my posts after the fact.

Who knows.

I don't think I'll label my posts. They're just going to be random bits of nothing.

I suppose if it turns out they start to really make sense, or they are worth tagging, I'll do so.